Friday, January 23, 2009

Looking for a Job

I've been a SAHM since I was pregnant (I was a full-time student).  But now the time has come to re-enter the workforce.  I'm nervous about finding a job.  I'm nervous about actually doing it once I find one.  I'm nervous about finding a job that will still let me be home in time to meet the school bus.  If that's not possible, I'm nervous about finding a good after school program that we can all be happy with and that doesn't use up my entire paycheck.  I'm nervous about leaving all the stuff undone that I leave undone now - only with less style, grace and while having to wear pantyhose.  I'm nervous about appearing to be a functioning human being with a brain during a job interview.  For the most part, being a mom uses a whole different set of skills  - when was the last time you had to use the eyes in the back of your head in a job situation (teachers excepted)?

So what on earth do I put on the resume? Domestic Engineer & Chief Operating Officer have been done just a few too many times, but here are some jobs I'm quite good at:

Food Stylist.  For several years I have been able to make dinosaur chicken nuggets (or whatever food item my children are currently fixated on) look appetizing and different each night.  This is more for my benefit than for the person with the food jag,  because as long as they get to eat the item of choice they don't much care what else is on the plate.  (And please don't leave me a comment about how your kids eat escargot or whatever you put in front of them or how to be firm at the dinner table.  You pick your battles and I'd much rather argue over something really important, like how your pajama bottoms should always match the tops) 

Food Artist.  I can make pictures with food in an effort to get picky eaters to ingest more than the aforementioned dinosaur chicken nuggets.  And it works too!  Pictures of Blue's Clues rendered in cheese & salami, a horse and rider made entirely of pickles, olives, cheese and dried cranberries and other such artistic creations available on request.

Hormonal Grouch.  Just when my family thought they were safe, menopause starts nosing around.  On second thought, most workplaces probably wish they didn't have to pay the hormonal grouches they already have, so we'll just scratch this one from the c.v. why don't we?

Special Needs Educator to the Public.  Unfortunately, many people still express surprise that P. is able to walk, communicate and otherwise function in the world.   Whilst I still find this shocking, P. & I have been able to give a little primer on etiquette and reality with a smile and lots of patience.  And on P.'s part, lots of hugs.  

Twin Wrangler.  I have been able to feed two infants simultaneously without the aid of bouncy seats or high chairs, using only the limbs God gave me and a throw pillow.  I can buckle two wriggling boys into carseats without dumping my purse or the grocery bags.  I can look at a "crime scene" and know immediately whether one (and which one) or both children were involved.  I can get everyone to bed and asleep in... several hours.  

Family Photographer.  Literally thousands of examples available on request.  But if you want a photo of me, there aren't that many.  M. took one the other day that has most of my head in it.

Lustful Launderer.  This isn't a homemade porn video, honest.  (With these stretch marks!?)  I do like to iron and folding laundry can be meditative, but I just like to watch my collection of Highlander videos while I'm doing it.

Family Timekeeper.  Through years of scientific research, testing and a highly developed system (all my clocks are 30 minutes fast), I am able to get my entire family to appointments on time.  To date, we have never missed a school bus!  

Organizational Maven.  Just read previous posts for evidence of said brilliance.  (Ok, maybe not all of them)  In the corporate world, I specialized in color-coded filing systems.  In the domestic area, closets and drawers are a specialty, as are toy systems containing lots of eenie-weenie pieces.  It is a known fact that it's a lot easier to organize someone else's stuff than your own.  

Translater.  I have a lot of experience translating KidSpeak into English for the benefit of waitstaff, store clerks, and other members of the public who may not know the language or who have lost their skills.  Apraxic speech patterns also translated.

Lily Gilder.  My husband says I'm quite good at this.  I don't really see it though.


thekreativelife said...

This resume sounds good to me! And I know that in a few years, I'll be in the same boat . . . my little guy is 2.5 now, so I've just got 3 years of "domestic bliss" to enjoy, before he too, heads off to school.

I'm determined to hone my photography skills and get myself "out there" before such an occurrance, and maybe . . . JUST MAYBE, I'll be able to pull in enough money, that I don't have to get a REAL job. I have "authority" issues, and really don't want to go back to punching the clock again.

I wish you lots of luck and I'll send up a prayer that you find the perfect job!

Unknown said...