1. The instant any freshly washed floor dries, your child will immediately (a) spill something sticky, (b) throw up, or (c) pee on it. If that doesn't happen, you or your spouse will spill something.
2. If, while in the car, your child has a mammoth sneeze and green goupy snot is running down his neck, he will be in the car seat behind you rather than across from you, there will no tissues in the car or in your bag, there will be no place to pull over and all the traffic lights will be green. His brother will be chanting "Snot! Snot!" throughout.
3. Just after you remove the childproof devices on your stove because your child has never once attempted to touch it in five years they will develop a sudden interest in fire and cooking. Ditto for the doorknob locks and a love of the great outdoors.
4. Your child will always repeat the inappropriate word he learned from you at the inappropriate time.
5. The day you forego restocking your bag with emergency clothes (because you never use them) both of your kids will have serious potty accidents.
6. The day you forget to bring snacks, a toy or a book, the 15 minute stop will stretch to 2 hours.
7. Your child will consistently sleep in until you have to drag them out of bed kicking and screaming to get to school and time, but on the weekends when YOU are looking forward to sleeping an extra hour, they will be up at 5:30 a.m.
8. Your child will not meet a developmental milestone until the day AFTER you have told the pediatrician "no, he can't do that yet."
9. Your child will always eat food at school or Grandma's or a friend's house that they would never eat at home. And they will still refuse to eat it after you stock up because "they ate it at so-and-so's house."
10. Your child's desperation for a particular toy will be in direct proportion to how difficult it is to find and/or how expensive it is.
11. Your child will lose interest in said toy the minute you have purchased it for an upcoming birthday or holiday.
12. Your child will have a dirty diaper or need to poop when it is most inconvenient, i.e. at the community wading pool with no bathroom facilities or at the park with the grodiest port-a-potty.
13. Your children will be angels all day until you have to make or take an important phone call. Then WWIII will break out.
14. Somebody will always throw up the evening before you are all scheduled to fly across the country.
Parenthood will never be how you imagine it to be before the children actually arrive. It will be more of everything -- more messy, more stressful, more spontaneous, and INFINITELY more rewarding!