You know you're a Mom when...

• Any sentence with the words "temperature" or "degrees" in it automatically makes you think of fevers instead of weather.
• The only thing you want to say to the young studly lifeguard is "stop twirling that thing before you poke someone's eye out!"
• A stranger in your immediate vicinity 1) sneezes 2) cuts their finger 3) gets dirty or 4) has a clothing emergency. Without even thinking you reach into your purse and hand over a 1) tissue 2) a bandaid 3) a wet wipe or hand sanitizer and 4) a safety pin.
• You also carry snacks in your purse. And crayons. And paper. All in multiples based on the number of children you have.
• You know the locations of all the public bathrooms within a 50 mile radius of your house.
• You know the guy who makes smoothies at the local Dunkin Donuts by name. And he knows you and your kids and who likes strawberry and who likes mango.

True Confessions

• I've never finished reading Little Women. Along about the time that Laurie and Amy get engaged, I just stop caring. Every few years I drag it out, determined to finish and... quit in the same place.
• I don't sort my laundry, I just use a lot of Shout Color Catchers. A few months ago I felt guilty and pretended I was in an old Cheer commercial. I didn't notice any difference at all and it took 45 days to get the laundry done instead of 31. So the heck with that.
• I sometimes secretly reload the dishwasher after D. does it (actually it's probably not that much of a secret, he's just too much of a gentleman to bitch about it)
• If I do something that's not on my 'to do' list, I write it down just so I can cross it off.

Random Unjustified Fears

• Whenever I smell something in the basement, I am immediately convinced that there is a gas leak and we will all be blown to smithereens. Even when it is obviously the towels I left in the washer for 2 days.
• I once spent an entire night in my childhood home wondering what would happen if the furnace blew up and envisioning how I would make a sling for the dog from my quilt and jump to safety from the porch roof.
• The Prize Patrol will come to my door and I'll be wearing the pajamas with the holes and my hair will resemble a styrocasaurus with twice as many horns as usual.
• My car will careen off the Grand Island bridge and I'll be swept over Niagara Falls. (I actually had a recurring nightmare about this when pregnant. I went the long way around to NF for 7 months).
• Scientists will discover a junk food that will ensure weight loss and is good for your heart. Naturally it will be the one I absolutely hate.
• My kid will bring home a bat for a pet. Or a komodo dragon. Or a giant anaconda. (hmmm... suddenly a puppy doesn't sound so bad!)
• I will never meet Tim Gunn.

Rebuffing Murphy's Law

Last week I painted the hallway closet and hung 16 pictures on the walls -- things that have been on my "to do" list since we moved in 5 years ago. Next week I'm going to attempt to make curtains from the bolt of fabric that's been living under my bed for 3 years. That better not mean we're going to move.

Random Musings

• How much do they pay those guys who stand on the corner waving signs about sales or store closings? It must be a lot because one of them was standing there in a thunderstorm and torrential rain yesterday. There's also been a lot of dancing jalapeno peppers and pita sandwiches to announce restaurant openings. If the job search doesn't work out, maybe I could do that.
• There's a lot of building going on around here and whenever we see some excavation starting, we joke that it's going to be a pharmacy. The sad thing is that it usually is. How many Rite Aids or CVS or Walgreens do we need? There are 5 intersections that immediately come to mind with a pharmacy on each corner. There must be a lot of $$ in prescriptions because all the other stuff in there is the same. Is the population really aging that fast?
• Why is it sunny all morning but as soon as the pool opens, we get thunderstorms and rain?
• For 2 weeks in a row, I have maintained and emptied my ironing basket. I'd like to say it's my commitment to organization, but it's really a comment on the horrible weather this summer and how much we have been indoors.
• We watched "Lady & the Tramp" the other day. It occurred to me that Jock & Trusty are offering to marry Lady not to get her out of the doghouse but because she's spent the night with Tramp, compromised her reputation and is already preggers. Please tell me I'm not the only weirdo who finds subtext in classic Disney films.
• We were talking about our "happy places" the other day and I said Wegman's was one of mine. Hmmmm.... grocery store as a happy place on one side of the scale, weight issues on the other... Hmmmm....
• The Friends of the Library are selling chocolate bars as a fundraiser. Since I'm at the library approximately 3 times a week, this is really good news. Or bad news, depending on my hormonal state at the moment.
• Why is it that I've taken 5 bags of clothes to Goodwill but I still don't have enough hangers?