Friday, July 10, 2015
We've known each other, what? 8 years now? I admit, I wasn't on board with our relationship in the beginning. You pursued me more than I thought seemly. But you wore me down and it was just easier to give in. Fine, I said, we can hang out sometimes, just don't crowd me, give me my space. Then just when I was getting used to having you around, you went off on this massive game of hide-and-seek and disappeared for 11 months. Then you came back all raging and crazy and acted like it was MY fault because I told you to get lost just that one time. I still haven't really forgiven you for that.
Yes, there have been tears and bitchy fights and some anger management issues. It totally was too your fault. It was! Let's not have that argument again, ok? Ok. Overall, I've tried to maintain a relatively cordial relationship and just kind of try to live in a peaceful coexistence with you. Which has not been easy with the crap you have pulled. Oh, really? You are soooo not the innocent party here. I'm not getting drawn in to your drama anymore. I'm just trying to deflect all your negative energy and move on with my life over here. Those hot flashes that have gone on for way longer than you promised? I like not having to carry a sweater everywhere. The newly sparse eyebrows? Not having to tweeze everyday gives me 10 more minutes of free time. Then you hit me with the chin and neck hairs. Ok, I can deal, the Tweezermans are still in the top drawer. The never-shrinking muffin top? Empire tops are all in style now. Just yesterday there was a really good sale. Then there's the freakiness of my neck, what about that, huh? Nora Ephron tried to warn me about you. But did I listen? And the saggy upper eyelids? I can live with those, my glasses hide the worst of it. The crepey skin on my hands? You're not my only friend. Moisturizer likes me too, you know. How about the grey hairs that are totally a different texture than the rest of the hair on my head? I rock the short hair. The forgetfulness? Why do you think they invented post-it notes, huh? The sleepiness? Well, I've always liked sleeping. Sleeping is one of my talents! Forgot about that, didn't you? Proof that you don't really listen when I talk. So, you counter with insomnia? There's... I... Just... You are SUCH a bitch! Yeah, don't act like some of this has nothing to do with you. It does. Who let Aging in? You two are like bosom buddies. I told you no sleepovers, didn't I? If anyone's gonna sleep around here, sweetie, it's gonna be me. But no. You had to have a buddy. I go away for a weekend and you have a party and now we're all sharing closets. Own that one, honey.
But this latest stunt? You have gone too far this time. I am done. Done. I mean it this time. Pack your bags and be gone by morning. Nose hairs. There's the line. I am drawing the line. Right there. I AM DRAWING THE LINE, DO YOU HEAR?