Saturday, May 5, 2012

Random Thoughts in the Middle of the Night

I'm blaming a lot of things on menopause lately (inability to lose weight, eyebrow hairs that decided to migrate to my chin, dry skin, the all-purpose insanity).  But the one thing I really hate is the fact that I wake up at night and can't go back to sleep.  My husband will attest to the fact that I love to sleep and that I get mean when I am tired.  (I can hear him in my head attesting strongly right now.)  So what to do? Once I got a basket of ironing done.  But as nice as that was, the next morning I was tired, mean and had a burn on my finger.  Reading doesn't work because if it's a crap book I feel disappointed and if it's a good book I won't put it down and then there's that tired and mean thing to deal with.  Housework is out.  I don't like doing that when I'm awake so why would I do that when I'm supposed to be sleeping?  So usually I just lie there trying not to wake everyone up. I make a lot of mental to-do lists.  I plan a lot of scrapbook pages, stitching projects, home decor and organization projects. I'm good about the planning and starting, not so good with the finishing. (There goes my husband attesting strongly in my head again.  What is with him?)  I plan a lot of parties that I may or may not have an excuse for.  I make imaginary recipes based on what I have in my cupboards.  I spend the money I'd win in the lottery if I ever bothered to buy a ticket.  I talk to folks in my head - things I need to remember to tell them, things I should have said, things I'd never say but wish I could.

In other words, normal stuff.

But more often my thinking goes like this:
  • You know that picture of Sissy Spacek that Amy Leibovitz took of her standing near a river with her husband on the horse?  The one where you can't see any of her husband except his leg?  Well, I sure hope that Sissy Spacek has a picture like that in her house where you can see the rest of her husband.  Because she'd like to see him, I'm sure.  And at Annie Leibovitz prices, you should have the whole person or at least get a heavy discount.  Why I care about the state of Sissy Spacek's picture frames is your guess as good as mine.
  • But Annie Leibovitz does take a good picture.  Except for some of those Disney ads, they were a bit creepy.  But those ones she took of the Queen were nice.  Except she wanted the Queen to take off her tiara to make it "less fancy."  How can the Queen be less fancy?  She's the Queen.  I think it's in her DNA.  There's a fanciness chromosome, I'm pretty sure.  Why not just take her photo in her pajamas if you're going for less fancy.  Just shoot the mystique right in the foot and be done with it.  Though if I was the Queen I'd probably wear the tiara with my pajamas.  Because, you know, why not?
  • I saw a documentary once where Queen Elizabeth was chatting with a painter as she sat for a portrait.  They got to talking about the corgis and she mentioned that they bite.  Do they really bite or is she just using that excuse to keep people from getting too close?  Because, you know, she's the Queen.  They probably don't get that close unless she wants them to.  And if so, presumably the corgis would think "well ok, this one can be trusted."  Does she just say that to wind people up?  "Oh ho, you should watch it, Prime Minister, or I'll have to set the corgis on you. Ha ha!"  What's the protocol if HM's corgi bites you?  Do you still have to call her M'aam while you're screaming and shaking off a corgi?  Swearing is probably right out of the question.
  • Maybe the Queen has plastic bags and dog biscuits in her purse.  I'm sure she doesn't have half the crap I have in mine.  No wonder I need chiropractic care.  But every time I try to pare down, I end up putting all that crap back in.  But at least my cell phone is little now.  Remember when they were new and were the size of a brick?  And getting service was a surprise every time?  And the phone company would just change your phone number whenever they wanted to?  Without telling you?  And you were getting a complex about no one calling you?  I bet my grandchildren will just have cell phones hardwired into their heads at birth.  They'll just pop out with all kinds of technology built right in.  
  • Grandchildren?!  Where the hell did that come from?  I've got a good 15 years before I have to think about those.  I better have that long or those grandchildren will be orphans.  But that would mean I'd have to raise them.  And then my back will still hurt because I'll still be carrying spare underwear and crayons and Happy Meal toys in my purse.  Ok, enough about the grandchildren.  Not thinking about them anymore.
  • Though a girl would be nice... and what would my grandma name be...
Is it any wonder that I don't get any sleep?

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