Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Life With Boys

The newest game here is "throw your socks at the brick fireplace wall and see if they stick" accompanied with lots of hysterical laughing. All this Mom can say is "Huh?"

Monday, September 5, 2011

Four Stages of Dirt

Stage 1: Dirt Obliviousness. This is when things are dirty and invisible at the same time. Note the difference from Stage 2. From this state, it is possible to progress to either Stage 2 or directly to Stage 3.

Stage 2: Dirt Ignorance. This is when the dirt is visible but you have entered into a peace treaty with it. So long as it does not wave its hands in the air, embarrass you with horrible smells or cause botulism or other fatal illnesses you are willing, in return, to ignore it for a little while longer. From this state it is possible to progress to Stage 4.

Stage 3: Dirt Flabbergastedness. This is when the dirt blindsides you into such a state of shock, that you cannot possibly ignore it. Like when you look over your husband's shoulder while he is hugging you and blurt out "My god! When did the ceiling fan get that disgusting?!?!" and you push him away and immediately climb on the table, shouting for Clorox, rubber gloves, a tarp, copious amounts of hot water and possibly the National Guard. Note the difference from Stage 2. From this stage you skip right over Stage 4. There is no progression except into disgust with everything followed by exhaustion and possibly death (sometimes your own, but not necessarily).

Stage 4: Dirt Eradication. This is when all dirt is banished from your home at the same time. A very rare condition that if you are lucky enough or insane enough to reach, it will be fleeting. How fleeting depends on how many people share your house and how adept they are at picking up after themselves. In other words, about five minutes. From this stage it is possible to continue back to any of the previous stages, either exclusively or in progression.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Stuff I Say A Lot

  • We've got to leave in 10 minutes.
  • We have to go.
  • Get in the car.
  • Come on! We're going to be late!
  • I told Grandma we'd pick her up, she's waiting!
  • Getinthecargetinthecargetinthecaralreadydammit!
  • Did you pee before we got in the car?
  • Go pee.
  • You do too have to go, you're dancing all over!
  • Put that down/Stop talking/Tell me in a minute and go pee.
  • Do you have to pee? Are you sure?
  • Well *I* have to go, so you may as well go too.
  • Yes, you can use the men's room. But don't talk to anyone and come right back.
  • You have to pee now? Here?
  • You washed your hands, didn't you?
  • What am I making for dinner?
  • No, you cannot eat spaghetti again.
  • Well, what are you going to eat?
  • No, you cannot eat that.
  • Spaghetti!? You're going to turn into spaghetti!
  • You need to eat more than that.
  • You ate all of that today?
  • Oh no you don't. You've already eaten. Put that back.
  • I hear my phone ringing. Do you know where it is?
  • Daddy's at work.
  • Daddy's upstairs.
  • Daddy's asleep.
  • Daddy's stopping at Grandma's on the way home.
  • I bet nobody calls me when I'm not here, do they?
  • 10 minute warning!
  • Don't you dare tell me those shoes are too tight.
  • You're fine. It doesn't hurt.
  • Should we close the drain?
  • We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
  • Look at Mommy! Smile!
  • Keep doing what you're doing, pretend you don't see the camera.
  • Have I got the camera?
  • Dang, the camera battery is dead again.
  • How come I'm never in any of these pictures?
  • Yes, I did tell you that. About 10 times.
  • I do not want to hear another word about (Halloween/Christmas/Your Birthday) until after (Back to School/Thanksgiving/New Years).
  • Not today. But you could put it on your list for Santa.
  • Well if you don't get it for Christmas, maybe you'll get it for your birthday.
  • I'm just a little bit turned around
  • I made a wrong turn
  • I know where I am but not how to get where I should be
  • Stop snorting and use words please.
  • Remember the rules! No stitches until you're 10 and no broken bones til you're 15! (I keep upping the ages. So far it's working!)
  • Why do I spend good money on pillows if you're just going to throw them at each other?
  • Why are your sheets off the bed?
  • There's no room for you in that bed with all those toys.
  • This place is filthy!
  • Do NOT spray that hose inside the windows!
  • Go spray over there!
  • If you get me wet, so help me...
  • Come over here and spray the mud off my hands/feet/shoes.
  • They arrest people who go outside without pants on.
  • It's in the (bedroom/pantry/basement/closet/your room/etc)
  • I don't know where your stuff is. I have my own junk to keep track of.
  • Well where did you leave it?
  • Where's your brother?
  • Go play with your brother.
  • Turn off that computer/DS now.
  • You're going to have to hang up soon.
  • You're silly!
  • I'll call their mom and set it up.
  • Of course I'll read that book to you.
  • This book sounds really good, we should read this one.
  • Yes I want to hear, tell me all about it!
  • Super job! 2 Thumbs up!
  • Who wants a smoothie on the way home?
  • You can have a donut, either one.
  • Who loves you?
  • I love you!
  • Daddy and Mommy and M./P. love you the best.
  • Everybody loves you!

Things That Freak Me Out

  • Bats
  • Those LED headlights (are they LED? the bluish ones?). It's like a Transformer is following me
  • An article I just saw about how bugs are great for the diet because they're big sources of protein. Including a section about which ones to eat if you like this or that food. Um.... no
  • Driving over the Grand Island Bridge
  • Driving over the Grand Island Bridge at night
  • Driving over the Grand Island Bridge at night in the rain
  • Millipedes
  • The sound grinding teeth make
  • That puff of air they put in your eye to test for glaucoma. How on earth do they expect you to keep your 2nd eye open after that?
  • Venus flytraps
  • Troll dolls

I Hide, You Seek

The other night P. wanted to play hide and seek before bed. "No way, " I told him, "it's already very late! Get in bed!" I turned around from putting clothes away, turning on the fan, confiscating the books, etc. and there he was under the covers. "I see you! I know you're under there!" M. cracked up laughing. "That's not him, Mom. He's in the bathroom." Sure enough, I go in the bathroom and there he is, laughing at me. You can trick Mommy sometimes!

Friday, September 2, 2011

I'll Be Back Soon

D. fed the kids while I was out. But he needed me to clarify the instructions on the box of macaroni and cheese. I love him dearly, but... really??? Clearly he needs to be in charge more often. If it's the same at your house, call me and we'll go do something!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

This Morning I Came Downstairs

to find P. getting breakfast in bed ready. (M. who is usually the mastermind at shenanigans like this was still fast asleep.) He had the baking sheet we use for a tray out on the counter (I really need to buy a bonafide serving tray), a coffee cup with an inch of water in it and some leftover ravioli and a fork. Such a smile when I asked him if he was making breakfast in bed. He even got it off the counter and over to the stairs without spilling. Then he yelled "Help!" And when we got upstairs he climbed back in bed and ate it. Wouldn't share with us at all. Is this kid too much or what? The wheels are turning in there, P. I can see them turning...